My first real encounter with a pregnant woman was in middle
school. I remember there was a lady in my church who was VERY pregnant and my
friends and I agreed to help her clean her house. Before we left, I remember
just staring at her as she sat on the couch. She was a tiny, thin lady and ALL
belly. I suppose she noticed me staring as she invited me to come closer. When I
did, I was astonished at what I saw – her belly rippled. Like a wave in the ocean
after tossing a stone in. I am sure my eyes bugged out of my head as I tried to
veil my wonder.
I have never forgotten that moment. As a result, I have
eagerly waited for the moment that God would give me the privilege of carrying
a child. The idea of growing a real human being was mind-blowing. Being able to
feel this precious life inside? Priceless. I would jokingly say to my friends that
I didn’t know if I wanted to be a mother, but I definitely wanted to be pregnant.
Looking Ahead
So it was kind of a surprise to me when I did finally get
pregnant, that this experience wasn’t quite what I had in mind. Now, I have had
an easy pregnancy, without a doubt. No morning sickness, no weird cravings,
even my husband will tell you that I have been –dare I say- jovial and without
much hormonal imbalance? But the one thing I looked forward to most eludes me.
As it turns out, I have an anterior placenta. This means that my placenta is
between me and the baby. This is a normal occurrence, but disappointing for me
as that means that the baby has to really kick or hit hard for me to feel him
at all. And at that, at currently 25 weeks, it still feels like little
butterflies.
The other slight disappointment is that I carry very
internally. I know ladies currently pregnant at 10 weeks or 15 weeks, and they
look “more pregnant” than I do. While some of you might consider this a
blessing, I want to look pregnant if I am pregnant, gosh darn it! I have taken
weekly pictures to try to capture the growth progress, but even now, unless I wear
something very form fitting, most people still can’t tell I am with child – and
I am almost in my third trimester. Mostly, I look more like I have a food baby rather than
a real human inside, haha.
Peace in the Present
I remember going to the store early on and buying my first
maternity outfit – I was probably 8 weeks along. The idea of being able to show
off my baby bump that I have waited 37 years for was so exciting. My mother
treated me to a couple outfits, some of which I still haven’t worn.
Just last week, however, I had an eye opening experience. I
finally was ready for some maternity pants. My mother and I ventured to the
mall and found a great store – just for me. They even had baby bumps that you
could try on with the clothes to see how you would look, and how the clothes
would fit, further into the pregnancy. I was so excited! Finally! I get to see
my baby bump! I couldn’t wait to strap that on and try on my first outfit.
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| With the bump pad |
Once I looked in the mirror, I was not expecting to see what
I saw. I was HUGE. I starred at disbelief at my reflection, and eventually just
laughed. My mom had the same reaction. I tried on a couple more outfits, but it
wasn’t long before I was ready to rip that bump off! I took a long,
appreciative look at myself in the mirror and for the first time, was thankful
to be where I was and looking “normal.”
Do you ever feel like that? You get so excited to get to a
certain point in your life that you fail to take in the joy of the moment? It is so easy to be eager to get to the finish line that you rush through the development
stage and take for granted the beauty that is now.
The Finish Line
I told my husband this morning, that God reminded me yet
again how perfect His plan for me (for us all) is. After my first marriage fell
apart, at 30 years old, I thought my life was over. I was supposed to have a
house, a white picket fence, a dog, and 2.5 kids by then – the American dream.
But I had nothing – starting over, living with my mom, and looking for a job. I
wanted a family; I wanted children.
The first guy I dated after my divorce already had two
children…and a vasectomy. I told myself that would be fine. Maybe his
children would be enough for me. We could always have children a different way –
there were options. But fast forward 7 years later. I am married to the love of
my life and while experiencing this great love, I am now privy to a whole new
love – motherhood.
If I had rushed to the finish line 7 years ago, I would
never been given this gift of life. Of feeling this little life grow inside. To
nurture this bond in a way only a natural mother could bond with her child.
Every little flutter, little kick, little jump that I can feel truly is a gift
that I don’t take for granted. And it is one I would not have had if I did
things in my own time, in my own way, and outside of God’s best. (Note: this is
not to say that those who have chosen other methods of parenting are void of
this gift. Rather, that God knew my heart well enough to know what I wanted, and what was best for me, even when I didn’t.)
I am thankful beyond measure that I have the life I have
now. And who I get to share it with. The road here was not easy – it was hell
at times – but it was necessary. It made me who I am today. It gave me who I have
in my life today. And I love my life.
So friends, if you are going through a difficult time, don’t
try to rush it. Don’t spend your time wishing your circumstances were
different. You are where you are for a reason. There is purpose in the pain,
and it is glorious! I didn’t believe that at first. But I would do it all again
if I had to, in order to be who and what God wanted me to be.
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| Little Baby Bossert at 20 weeks :) |
"Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God." Robert Schuller
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,... to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:1-3
