Courage, dear heart...

I want to take you on a journey.  Close your eyes. Relax. Take a deep breath.

Imagine that you are at the beach. Wildwood, NJ to be exact. It is a warm, sunny day and your family is all around. Wildwood has a gorgeous boardwalk along their coastline with shops, fried food, and roller coasters. Yes, roller coasters.

Amidst these metal-laden-gravity-defying-merry-go-round-contraptions are the ultimate, death defying, free-falling-quick trips to insanity devices that hurl you just to the brink of no return and bring you back again. What is this? It’s called a Sky Coaster. Oh, you’re laughing? Ok, maybe I exaggerated. A swing; it’s a giant swing.

But in 2011, I thought I had literally defied death when I was able to walk off of it alive. 

I was in a phase of life where I wanted to try everything at least once. So of course, I wasn’t going to say no to this. Especially when I was with Mandi, a tried and true adrenaline junky. And, I reasoned, how bad could it be? It really is like a giant swing, except I get to lay down the entire time! So off I went.

Fear is beginning to set in...

They hook you up in this harness that gently lifts you up into the air. As it pulls you up, it lays you down, so you are completely horizontal. At this point, my stomach tightens, my heart starts to race, and I begin to question my entire existence because I know – I KNOW – I am about meet Jesus. And there is nothing more powerful in life than knowing it is about to end because of your own stupid fault.

Once we are in position (and by that, I mean that we are fully suspended over 100 feet in the air, with nothing but a little plastic mat and a cord between me and eternity) we stop. One of us had to be the one to pull the release cord once in position in order to “drop.” And you know, if I was in charge of it, we would still.be.there.

While I am freaking out, this is just
a walk in the park for Mandi! 

Mandi, being all too eager for this, did not even hesitate for me to gather my thoughts. I mean, at least she could’ve waited a minute so I could rehearse what I would say when I enter the Pearly Gates and Jesus asks me why I was so stupid, right? But no – they said ready, and boy, she was!

Fear. Absolute, undeniable, unmistakable fear. You can see it in my face. I can feel it even now. If you are quiet enough, you can still hear my screaming throughout the entire park as we were propelled side to side, where people stopped from all corners of the park to pity the poor girl who had to go through this beside me. (No joke, when I was able to peek through my eyelids, I saw people from the four corner of the park stopped and looking in my direction.)

Not sure if it's more miraculous that I am
alive or if Mandi is alive - i nearly snapped
her in two! #deathgrip

I felt this again recently when my hubby and I took our official tour of the hospital’s maternity ward. The first room we stopped in was where – in 2 months – I will be giving birth to my baby boy. Now, I know I am pregnant. And I know that there is only one way this baby is coming out….through me. But up until this moment, I didn’t really know. There we were, in a small crowd of people, listening to the RN talk about hospital procedures. All I saw was the bed, the machines, and the stirrups. The stirrups weren’t even at the foot of the bed where they should be…they were at the sides of the bed. Why? Probably because that’s where they *think* my feet will be when I am pushing this human being out of me. How do they expect me to do that?? Suddenly, I remembered this intense feeling. This feeling of not wanting to go forward and wishing you could turn back. Wondering if there were some small chance I could change my mind and find the one loophole that has escaped all womanhood since Eve got caught in the garden of Eden. I looked at my hubby with panic in my eyes, and all I could say was, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready!” (Meanwhile, he just laughed and told me I should’ve thought about that 8 months ago…) 

Ok, I don't remember it looking this pleasant...and well, happy...

Have you ever felt this way? Have you felt fear so strong that it almost paralyzed you? Maybe it did paralyze you? I know when I have felt this way, it usually meant God was getting ready to do something in my life. Something was about to change. But usually it was me that was about to change.

What were those moments for you? Maybe it was deciding to leave your home and move across country. Maybe it was taking a job that made less money or required sacrifice of some kind. Maybe it was leaving a toxic relationship. Or deciding to go to church for the first time. Or to go through with that pregnancy.

Whatever your moment is, know that we all have them. We have to have them. There’s an old saying that God loves us just the way we are, but too much to leave us that way (Leighton Ford). I can look back on all of my moments of darkness and fear and when I felt the most desperate and realize how much I have grown from those experiences. Many of those times, I chose to do the wrong thing – to stay in that bad relationship, to go against proper judgment. But God, in His goodness and grace, used those moments to refine me, to strengthen me, and to show me just how powerful He is and how much He loves me.

God, in His infinite wisdom, uses what would be meant to destroy us in order to rebuild us. He is the one who restores us; He picks us up at our lowest and breathes life back into our weary and frightened souls. I have been at this crossroads more times than I can count. And He has never failed me.

Fear can be paralyzing. But faith is what can propel us forward to be and accomplish all that God has for us. And not just faith in ourselves; have faith in who God is. We will fail. Left to my own devices, I may still have been in that spiritually oppressive, abusive marriage from years ago. But despite my failures, I knew that God wanted better for me. Not only has he provided a new love, and a new life (both figuratively and literally) for me, but He has allowed me to use my past pain to help women going forward. Only God can do that. 

So if you are feeling that gnawing, anxious feeling – be encouraged! God may be getting ready to do something marvelous in your life. You just have to step aside and let Him!

Get Out of My Way!

Wait - the Problem is Me??

Have you ever been tired? Like drag-down, beat up, struggle to get out of bed tired? Even when you knew you were where God has called you to be? One of the most important lessons I have been learning lately (and will continue to learn, I am sure) is that you can be mentally, physically, and emotionally drained and still be doing God’s work. It is in these sometimes dark and worrisome times where it is easy to question God – Where are you? Are you here? Can you see me? Did I really listen to you or was it my imagination when I decided to do (fill in the blank)?

As the head of our local Pregnancy Care Center (check us out!), my plate is never empty. I have been here for less than a year, and have had a 50% turnover of staff. Volunteer rate is low, and staff are having to fill in the openings. On top of that, we have had to rebuild our medical clinic from the ground up which meant finding a Nurse Manager, Medical Director, creating and updating our forms so we were up to compliance, and training, training, training. We have brought on new positions such as our Communications Director in order to bring awareness to both clients and supporters of all that we are doing in the community. And we still have managed to not only keep up with our annual fundraising efforts, but have increased the efforts so we can begin new programs (like this one).

All this while being pregnant with my first child, and an hour commute from home. Crazy, right?

My giant to-do list behind me

And I am sure there are more things I could add to this list, but I am already too exhausted to think of anything else.

I know that I know that I know that I am supposed to be here. Short of parting the Red Sea again, God made it abundantly clear that being Executive Director is where he wanted me. But recently, I found myself questioning God. Actually, I have found myself to be questioning Him more often than not. Questions like: is this really where I am supposed to be? If it is, why am I so worn-out? Where is your joy that I am supposed to have?

Friends, these are scary questions to be asking God. It is very easy for these seemingly innocent questions to turn into finger-pointing accusations, blaming God for when things don’t go well. When I started to realize this was the road I was heading down, and I began to feel more discouraged about my job more often than encouraged, I took notice.

I took stock of all that I was doing. Everything. I realized that I was saying yes to everything. “Oh, you want to do a fundraiser for us? Sure! That will only take X amount of time…since everyone else is so busy, I will be glad to schedule that.” “Oh, you’re too busy to do X? Ok, I will figure out a way to make sure this is done.”

Guess what I realized? I am tired and it is MY fault. My life feels chaotic because of ME. I wanted to blame God for giving me too much to do, when it was actually my responsibility because I didn’t know how to say no.

Saying Yes Means Saying No

Nehemiah 6:3 “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?”

I came across this verse about the time I was struggling the most. I had said yes to a bunch of different projects – all good things – and it had caught up with me. Worse, I was noticing my staff were starting to feel a little harried by the constant barrage of requests. When I heard  Andy Stanley's message on this, I had to pause and ask myself where my focus was.

It is possible to get lost while doing what God has called you to do. There is a saying: God is in the details. But so is Satan. He is our enemy and seeks to kill and destroy all the good that God has planned. Often he doesn’t do so blatantly, but little by little, over time -using distractions until we have slowly veered off course.

How do we know what it is we should be doing?

I could tell you a myriad of steps on how to hear the voice of God. And it would all be practical and good advice. Things like:prioritize, focus, seek wise counsel. But it all comes after you've done the first step - Pray.

Pray often. I know this may sound cliche, or trite - the "typical Christian answer." But it is the truth. It doesn’t have to be long, superfluous monologues. But the only way to know what He wants is to know HIM. Very much like children who know their parents’ expectations: As a parent, we don’t blindly set limits for our children without telling them what they are. No, it’s not fair to keep it a secret; we are very clear with them so that they know exactly where we stand. I remember my friends asking me to stay out late, to go hang out at such-and-such place, etc. But I knew my mom. And I knew what would happen if she found out I did those things. Sometimes, I knew what she would say because I had done those things and didn’t want to learn that lesson again. And it was enough to say no to my friends.

When we know God’s heart, it is easier to be persistent on those things. Sometimes my friends were very convincing. Of course I wanted to be where the action was, where they were going to be, and didn’t want to feel like I was going to miss out. But I also knew that my mom would not be pleased or that it would mean going against her standards. I knew this without having to ask her. It was this type of persistence that meant I could focus my priorities. And when you are focused, you aren’t easily sidetracked by those things that aren’t meant for you – even if they seem good at the time.

Nehemiah refused to become distracted. Even when everyone else urged him. He knew the voice of the Lord; he knew what he was supposed to do. More importantly, he spent twice as long in prayer prior to the project than he did to complete it. Twice.As.Long. When you spend that much time seeking God, it would be very difficult to not know what He wants.

Staff Retreat on the Patuxent River - it was a beautiful day to refocus
our priorities as a team

Often we allow ourselves to be rushed from one activity to the next, increasing our responsibilities along the way, which only serves to make us more busy, and give us less time to spend getting to know what God wants and what His plans are for us. It is a vicious cycle. And if Satan can keep us from prayer, he can keep us from being effective, even if everything we are doing seems to be well intentioned.

Friends, I know it’s difficult to find peace in the midst of chaos. I know it’s challenging to hear the soft whisper of the Lord’s voice in a world that is constantly seeking your approval and attention. But learn from me – it is far better to wait on Him, even if the project takes longer to finish, than to rush ahead, spin your wheels, and feel more exhausted in the long run. The Lord longs to give you a life of abundance, and I don’t want to squander a minute of it chasing after the wrong things – do you?

Jesus, I want your life of abundance. I want to know your voice and do all the things that you want me to – and that includes saying no sometimes. Help me to stand against the distractions. As I seek you, let your voice be so clear, that it is all I hear. I trust you and know that when I say no to the distractions, that I am saying yes to you.